My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
