Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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