girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
