I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
