I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
