Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
