Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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