last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Randomize
