I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
