I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
