Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
