Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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