I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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