??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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