well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
