apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
zippers are such a cool invention
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
