I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
