Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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