If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I need to sanitize my soul.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
