Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
