ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
