Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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