You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
