I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
