i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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