i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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