so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
