two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
