I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
