in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
