rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
