Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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