If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
