I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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