If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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