I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
