found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
