Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
