I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
