i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Randomize
