Jerry, you need to find god
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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