yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
