Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
they're like a gay fantastic four
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
