I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
