If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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