there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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