I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Princesses don't give blow jobs
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
