Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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