Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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