By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
