Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
40s are totally the cure
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
