Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
