I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
